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that Diane could shut her emotions down at will, simply shut off
feelings like flicking a light switch.
"[Subject is] very attractive . . . very intelligent . . . somewhat
hypertalkative--very anxious to get into the program. Nevertheless,
one gets the impression that, particularly from the point
of view of her affect, it is significantly superficial. ... In reference
to her father--she has forgiven him and even though they
both know about it [the incestuous molestation] they have never
said one word to each other in reference to 'their secret.' She
definitely uses defense mechanisms of repression and rationalization.
"On occasion, she gives the impression of being able to isolate
her affect completely."
This doctor was the second to mention a profound defect in
Diane's personality: Histrionic personality disorder. (Histrio=
actor.) He too thought it was iffy that Diane would be able to give
up the baby. On the other hand, he suggested that participation in
the surrogate program might give Diane the opportunity to expiate
her guilt over her abortion five years earlier.
Not one of the psychologists or psychiatrists detected her
black-outs, nor did they recognize her soaring ambition.
Diane passed.
If she barely squeaked through on her emotional stability
qualifications, she aced the physical exam. Her blood pressure ^s 120/78, her
pulse 72, her respirations 18 to the minute. To- ^lly normal.
The genetic flow chart of her progenitors was next. Twenty- rour relatives:
Wes's parents and his six siblings, Willadene's
Parents and her five siblings, Wes and Willadene, Diane's four
siblings, and finally Christie, Cheryl, and Danny. The names ^arched down the
chart. No genetic flaws. Violent and accidental
725 ANN RULE
deaths, yes, but no diabetes, hypertension, strokes. Most of the
entries' names were followed by "Alive and Well."
A cheerful, optimistic flow chart.
Diane was accepted into the surrogate program. She had
given birth to three perfect children, all "Alive and Well"ùthree
blonds, one with green eyes, two with brown eyes. Soon, she
would conceive again.
And then she would give the child up.
Pure love.
Diane eagerly awaited her summons to Kentucky. She ignored
Steve. Christie, Cheryl, and Danny were farmed out to babysitters
much of the time. Russ Phillips leapt at the chance to have Danny
whenever he could. Diane laid down some rules. Russ was not to
date other women or to drink alcohol. Sweetening her edicts, she
hinted that she might change her mind some day and marry him.
Overhearing the "Diane Rules," one of the women who
shared a house with Russ grimaced. But she felt sorrier for the
children than she did for Russ. Especially for Cheryl.
"Diane put everything before those kids. If Danny wanted
attention, she would push him away . . . but the worst thing
wasùone time, I caught Cheryl jumping on the bed, and I told her
that was not permitted. I made her sit on a chair and think about
it. Cheryl sat quietly for a while, and then she looked up. 'Do you
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have a gun here?' 'Of course not. Why?' 'I want to shoot myself.
My mom says I'm bad.' "
When there were no willing sitters, Diane left the kids home
alone. Christie was six, Cheryl five, and Danny was fifteen months.
, Christie bore responsibility well. Mature far beyond her years,
she was protective of her little sister and baby brother.
At long last the Downses' marriage burst.
"Steve usually just memorized girls' phone numbers," Diane
describes the final split. "But one day I was doing his laundryù
cleaning out his pockets, looking for bills ... I pulled out a
wadded-up paper with a phone number and an address on it. That
night, after work, I just handed it to Steve and said, 'I want my
divorce now.' "
:! "He said, 'OK.' " gg
Diane was never without a lover. She moved from one man to the
next, as smoothly as if she weie changing partners at a square
SMALL SACRIFICES 129
dance. She never allowed them to hurt her. They weren't that
important to her. No man had ever bothered to find out what
made her happy; they had only taken what they wanted.
Why Diane sought the company of men is an intriguing question.
She had told several psychologists that she detested sex;
perhaps she was only ambivalent. Diane may have looked for
sensuous pleasure with no emotional involvement. Or she may
have liked the sense of power over men that sex gave her.
And then again, her need for men may have been simply [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]