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with a smile.
A girl who liked me not for anything except me what that be like?
I saw Hope and Alex laughing and living life to the fullest and I said,  That s
what it would be like.
And yet I could not grasp it. It always eluded my fingers, always slithered from
my grasp. I was held back by unseen forces, and despite my screams and rants
and savage cries for help, nothing ever changed.
Anthony Barnhart
Flowers Quickly Fading 60
I always wanted a deep and intimate relationship& And I was always left
hollow.
While this was going on, Caleb and my little sister are living it up, too. Caleb
ditching me during a Borders and ½ Price run was only the beginning. He started
going to Applebee s without me, taking only my sister. He would always be with
her. Even when he came over to see me, he would just say,  Hello& Where s
your sister? And since I didn t have a backbone, I d tell him where she was, then
crawl into my room, completely alone, and journal.
Journal sometimes for hours, expressing my hatred.
Boys and girls all over the walkways, playing kickball, huddling in
groups, leading pointless and unknown lives, ignorant of ignorance, being
watched and admired and lusted over, never knowing, nor caring, nor
tackling the futileness of their own wasteful existence, squandering hope
and grace and love as if it were pocket-change, scraped yellow to the
bone. Convinced they are centers of centers, a complex web of talk and
thought; lovers, friends, acquaintances. Life in all its spectacle and glory
will fall, whether, and waste, just as we all will.
Fall.
Wither.
Waste.
Forgotten.
It is not fun to be caught between a lie and a truth, and not be able to tell
one from the other. Terrible to have a friend who lies and backstabs and
only lets the guilt out in feeble doses, just enough that doubt is strangled
by blind trust. How much worse it is to believe you are something when
you are not, and worse still to see yourself as nothing when you are
something; but nothing or something, both have the same end. Fall.
Wither. Waste. forgotten. Eat. Drink. Screw. Fear God, or don't. You will
still die.
Caleb and I used to hang out after I got off my shift at the grocery store. I
couldn t hang out with Alex there anymore because he had quit and spent all his
Anthony Barnhart
Flowers Quickly Fading 61
time with Hope. So Caleb and I decided to hang out, but he only showed up once,
and then he left early because he was taking my little sister out to a High School
volleyball game. It eventually evolved to the point where I didn t even consider if
he would show up; I d just walk out into the cold and dark parking lot, the spring
sun burning behind sullen clouds, and in the shadow of Maine s scattered
mountains, I would hunker down into my car, start the engine, and drive home
through the tender drizzles. Upon reaching my room, I would strip of my clothes,
shower, then lay down in my covers, burn incense and listen to depressing bands
such as Straylight Run or Eisley.
These bands weren t depressing because they were meant to be. Their themes
all revolved around romance, and the voices of the girl singers always made me
ache for a girlfriend. I would imagine they were singing their love songs about
me, and lost in the dream, when I returned to reality, I would be deeper into
depression, thoughts running over in my head, as if skipping in a broken CD
player:
You ll never have what you re looking for.
Don t even start hoping: you ve been abandoned.
Your fate is a life of despair; get out now.
I hear these voices now and I want to agree so much.
No, I do agree.
Grandma came to me during the party and asked, as nicely as she could, with no
ill intentions,  So, how are you dealing with what happened?
The room grew opaquely silent. She realized her mistake immediately.
I looked up from my plate of tasteless barbecue chicken. The scent of tears
wafted within me and I knew I had to get out of there. I felt my veins beginning to
quiver. This happens a lot nowadays. Just the sudden mention of her name, or
passing of a place that brings memories of her, any of this triggers an emotional
onslaught. At that moment I lost it, and glaring at her, I snarled,  How the %$@#
do you think I feel? I threw my plate on the ground, the barbecue chicken
smearing the carpet, and walking past several of my wide-mouthed cousins, I
stormed down to my bedroom and slammed the door loud.
I fell upon the bed, fell upon my knees, and digging my head into my blankets,
sobbed myself dry.
Between the choking gasps, I could hear knocking at the door.
Dad said quietly,  Son? Son. Can I come in?
Anthony Barnhart
Flowers Quickly Fading 62
I balled my fists and tried to take control, but even my muscles were shot.
His voice again:  Son. Calm and serene. He knew this was holy ground.
I raised my bloodshot eyes and swollen cheeks and coughed,  Leave.
He obeyed. There were no more knocks.
I m not crying anymore. I will again, though, I promise. But for the time being I
feel better, and this journal has proven a relief again. I must finish this story. I
cannot bear under the weight of this loss any longer. So let me continue. Please
excuse the tear stains on the paper.
As Caleb abandoned me for my sister, my sister s appreciation of me fell into
the ocean, too.
Mom used to say to me when she wasn t around,  She looks up to you so much.
She s always wanted to be just like you. And she tells you everything.
Everything. Grinning,  It makes me jealous.
Now I seemed to be a hindrance, a bother, an annoyance. I would say hi and
she d blow past. She would walk into a room and tell me how stupid I was for
something, then keep walking, shocking not only me, but Mom and Dad as well.
And she told me nothing. She locked her door and listened to her music. She ate
Spaghettios in her room and didn t let anyone talk to her. She felt that if you said
even a word to her face you were thereby invading her privacy.
I hadn t just lost Caleb. I d lost my sister to him, as well.
And my sorrow evolved into anger. Bitter, infuriated rage.
Cameron saw what was happening, and one day when I was at his house watching
a zombie movie after school, he said to me,  Do you hang out with Caleb
anymore?
 No. I don t see him anymore. He s always with my sister.
 He hasn t come around here anymore, either. It feels like we ve never known
him.
 He hasn t even come around for Brian?
 Why would he? Brian s never here, either. He s working though.
 Yeah, I said. A zombie was eating someone s face.  He has an excuse.
I continued going to Cameron s house during the week because I didn t have
anything to look forward to at home. Even though he was three grades below me,
a freshman while I was a senior, I took a liking to him immediately. If you know
Cameron you know how it happens. He either freaks you out or you fall in love
with him. We would go on walks and watch movies and talk about life. And girls. [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]